I'm scared of people.
Be a good person, eat all your food, be nice to people, and love Jesus; if you don't, you will go to hell, burn forever, and if you do you will have streets of gold and live forever. I was raised in the church, and although I was never one to catch the Holy Ghost and I thought it was funny when folks did, I believed everything I heard, and I was determined to do my best to, at the bare minimum, be a good person; I was bullied, I wasn't a fighter growing up. Never was mean to a soul. I never even picked on people. If someone said something funny, I laughed, but I would immediately think that perhaps I shouldn't laugh at it.
Imagine life growing up as I got to know people. I didn't understand. I was so sheltered and surrounded by a tight-knit family. I didn't understand people that hurt people. Around my family, I was free to be myself. I was celebrated for being myself. Nobody ever broke me unless I got dirt in my hair, lost my bows at school, had a pile of clothes under my bed, or got an attitude and talked back. I had no reason to fear people growing up.
It wasn't until my college years that I realized that there were humans that would have disdain for me because of my talent and, who I was, or what I could do. I learned that there are individuals whose primary purpose is to hurt me and who will do anything to me to make me feel bad about myself. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I learned there how hate feels. I didn't know how to process this so that I would compress the hurt from this hate, and I kept coming back for more. I started to become traumatized in my undergraduate years. I would experience aspects of life I never knew existed. I learned that humans would keep you close to them simply because they hate you.
I carried this with me into post-undergraduate life. Life as a mother, as a wife, as a graduate student, an employee. Each lashing I took made me more callous, whereas I used to scream when a lashing happened, and I would eventually become mute and numb. I learned that I am a person that is easy to manipulate because of what I was always taught in church, which was to be good to people. A group of women I considered friends at once taught me this lesson. I once bent over backward to have these women belong to a club I belonged to and to make sure they felt welcome. It was not until I turned around and they figuratively stabbed me in the back that I became more insensitive, numb, and mute.
These days I am afraid of people. I'm not too fond of crowds; they make me nervous. I wish I could shut down the messenger on social media. I don't particularly appreciate meeting new people. I don't ever want to leave the house. Being ambitious and good at what I do in my profession attracts undesirables. Humans enter my life to make me feel bad about myself. Their purpose is to bring me down and see me hurt. Working in a male-dominated, misogynistic field like Music Education in the black community, some individuals reach out to me to bring down my confidence and be in my life to belittle me.
Some people come around to leech because they need something; whether it's for some time or hope to be a permanent fixture, they are users. I have met individuals that have attempted to enter my life to get me hooked on them just for them to ghost or not be responsive. Now, I don't trust anyone. One thing humans will do is look after themselves. They will manipulate you, say anything and do anything to get what they want from you.
These sponges can sniff from a mile away a person that is easily manipulated. They look specifically for a person that will give their all. They can easily find a person with low-self esteem or one that was sheltered. They will pretend to care for you and then ghost you, or they will be in your life to bring you down. I confidently carry myself deep inside, and I have always wanted love. Manipulators have antennas for a person like this, and their sole purpose is to take advantage and take away that confidence. As a black woman, everyone is gunning for you: white men, white women, black men, and other black women. The consensus is that we should be lesser than. We are the lowest on the totem pole. So how dare you be wise, a thinker, educated, headstrong, and even worse, proficient in your career. How dare you win awards? Be celebrated by anyone? Individuals will come into your life to make you miserable because they feel a black woman does not deserve anything but heartache and pain.
I may die alone. I have to be good at knowing that. It is hard to tell if these individuals initially mean well or if their sole purpose is evil. Trying to figure out and stay ahead of another human's next move is exhausting. It is exhausting enough being black and being a woman. It is exhausting enough to exist with those labels. Knowing you are supposed to be last but not being built that way. It makes the journey harder. It's for these reasons that I am scared of people. I don't know what they want. When I allow them to enter my life, they hurt me; they inflict pain.
As a youngster sitting in church I used to picture the devil as a cartoonish character that was red, had an unusual tolerance for heat, had horns, and carried the spear he was famous for. I would not have thought in a million years it would be individuals that walked the Earth with me. Those that pretended to love you, care about you and want to be around you. I assumed because my goal was not to be evil, that evil would not come near me unless I allowed it. As I grew up, I learned that this is not true. You have to be careful who you allow around you and in your space. Most people do not mean well towards you, they mean the complete opposite. They pray on your failure. They want to bury you and watch you suffer. In my 40s, I’m learning the best way to steer clear of these characters is to be hidden and not give them a way to find you. It is a lonely existence but I will take the lonely hurt over a human being around with malicious intent any day.
