Dying in the Sauna

I go work out on Tuesdays and Sundays. I’m a boxer now imagine that. When I finish I go into the sauna for 20 min. Lately I’ve been having thoughts like if I died in there would anyone notice? I wonder how long it would take for anyone to find the body? Honestly would anyone give a shit? Top of the news cycle would be “Local teachers remains found in Sauna after 3 days.” Yesterday I decided to get rid of my Facebook page. Everytime I do this I realize there are certain things I need it for, like for instance I had a hankering for that Sum’na Eat guys shrimp. Well you have to message him through Fb messenger to order and he may or may not respond. So you definitely don’t make plans around his food. Then, I sent an email about a home I saw on Fb messenger a few days ago. I needed to get into the marketplace to remind myself of what I applied for. Yesterday I received an email supposedly from the owner. Well it ended up being a scam anyway. I ended up going a full day without going back.

So back to the sauna, when I have these thoughts I think of the people that will laugh and find it funny and be so happy I was no longer walking the Earth. The ringleader. He would be ecstatic while living off my insurance money. My kids would be confused about why he was so happy. I don’t think they would take it well which is why I would never do it to myself. Their lives have already been devastated so much due to the poor choices of adults. Selfishness. Greed. Delusion. Yet they remain so gracious, good natured. They are strong. They keep me calm when I am losing my shit. I also left socials for another reason, I don’t want to meet anybody. I’m tired of people reaching out to me. This happens when one is too accessible. I want to seriously limit my accessibility. Like way down. The few I’ve actually corresponded with and given time to will use my accessibility and turn around and make themselves inaccessible. I can’t form a scientific hypothesis about why this is so I would rather just not be bothered. It’s just weird. They reach out to you, work hard to get at you and as soon as you start reciprocating they become busy. It’s like they enjoy the chase. To me it’s playing games and I’m so busy with my own dysfunctional life that I halfway don’t even know if I want to live half the time. I can’t even provide space in my brain to play games. I’m wondering what will happen if I just happen to die in the sauna, what time do I have to play chase games with you? It’s just not even logical. Everyone I meet and choose to give time is well aware of my situation. I’m so transparent and hold nothing back. Yet they pursue and then start up the same bullshit. But people in general, they just don’t care, they could careless because it’s all about them. Their fellow man or woman means absolutely nothing. Just evil. I thought about the fact that I live in a city all by myself. I can easily disappear and retreat. Become invisible. Shit go missing. Nobody would know shit. I could hit the road and go like live in the Florida Keys and wouldn’t nobody know shit. But my children. My children. They are the only reason I have to stay connected. They are why I have to stay alive and keep breathing.